Helping Troubled Teens - Right Way or Wrong Way

April 10, 2008

parents - are you at your wits end on helping your teen in trouble?

Let me begin with my story and how it can apply to you.

As a teen, I naturally thought I knew everything and didn’t need anyone telling me how to live my life. Well, both you and I know that there is much more to life than what’s going on while you’re a teenager. Only until a person “lives” and has to deal with mortgage, rent, jobs, careers and providing for your family will they ever really understand.

At one point in my life I started heading down the wrong track. I was basically a good kid, but the friends I hung out with sort of corrupted me. Well, that’s not really fair to say, but hanging with them started to get me into trouble. It wasn’t anything serious, but nonetheless, waiting for my parents to pick me up at the police station was quite an embarrassment.

The thing that struck me as odd, at that time was when my friend’s dad came to pick him up. During those days, it was ok to spank or hit your child. Well my friend’s father, gave him a preety big slap across his head. My parents? Well, I got lectured and grounded for the rest of my life… Hopefully my parents aren’t reading this, because I’m still supposed to be grounded.

Of course I ended up causing a ruckus at home for being cooped up too long and eventually I was let out of the house.

Then some of my other friends started getting involved with robbing houses, carrying guns, and who knows what else. So I disassociated myself from them and just sort of left the group.

The point of all that rambling is to stress one point. Teens have a need to feel as if they “belong” or are a part of something. For better or worse, depending on who they decide to associate with.

The problem occurs when they are unable to find people who can relate with them. you could force your child to be friends with the “goodie-goodie” folks, but unless they share a commanality, it will only cause them to seek another group where they fit in.

As an example, my parents forced me to go to church. At first I was hesitant, but soon made friends with some of the guys my own age, who also had a wild streak in them, so I fit in perfectly. We got in trouble once because of a fire extinguisher incident, but that was about the extent of the trouble we got into. I think we were all misfits and just sort of bonded and banded together. The other important factor was GIRLS. There were cute girls that went to church and that made it even more tolerable.

Through all the lectures and punishment I got, the one thing that “stuck” was when my mom said - “Russ, if you’re not going to do it for yourself, do it for your little brother. He looks up to you and copies everything you do, because he loves you”.

That was a very strategic guilt trip she put on me. Because it was then, that I realized I was in control of something other than my own life. I now had to deal with the trouble my little brother might get into.

So after my life turned around for the better, a few years later, I witnessed my brother following my footsteps and getting involved with some of the same things I did. I remember my mom pulling her hair out because he wasn’t being reactive to what she was sayting.

He was being disciplined while I was “trying” to study. I finally got up and told my mom “don’t be so hard on him, he’s just going through a phase. Just like me, he’ll be ok”.

Shortly after that, he started going to church too!

Since my children are still young, I haven’t had the opportunity to go through this with my sons. But at least I have practice or experience from dealing with my younger brother.

Many parents don’t realize this because they may not have lived through that experience. Or maybe it was never pointed out. So rather than punishing your child, who is silently seeking guidance, find a way to fill their void. Whether that’s going to church, an after shcool program, or a city youth program.

russ