Some of the causes are -

• Peer pressure
• Challenge authority
• Curiosity
• Think it’s cool
• Trying to be older

These are just some of the reasons why they “start” or get introduced to alcohol.

The bigger issue is why they continue to drink until it appears to be come a habit.  The underlying reasons vary dramatically from individual to individual.

Unlike drug addiction, there isn’t a chemical reaction where a person gets addicted to it, in my opinion, it’s more of a choice to alter the state of one’s mind.

The causes of underage drinking past their limits are usually due to -

• Wanting to be accepted
• Hiding from problems
• Rebelling
• Enjoy an altered state
• Makes them appear more sociable

Now, depending on how much alcohol a person can consume varies wildly. Some may get sick and vomit, due to the bodies natural defense against a foreign substance.  Or they also get dizzy and vomit as well.

Some people may become lethargic and end up “passing-out” or falling asleep.

Other may have a reaction “alcohol poisoning” or the bodies inability to deal with alcohol.

So the reasons of teenage drinking is more of a problem on the surface.  In order to effectively help a teenager with drinking is to find out what is triggering “the need” to drink.

Considering that alcoholism can affect anyone and not necessarily just teenagers is growing at an epidemic rate.  We need to look more into what is causing the problem rather than focusing on the ned result.

Underage drinkers should be handled with care.  Threats, isolation and discipline should be handled with love and support.

Think about this.  Your teenager has a problem with drinking because it offers them something.  If you discipline them with threats, yelling, scolding or pain then you’re pushing them to find a comfort zone elsewhere.  That “comfort zone” may be found through alcohol.

This is where love and support come in.  You have to put your emotions aside and think clearly and logically how they can “benefit” more by not drinking.  You just need to remember that peer pressure and acceptance are far more appealing than any punishment.

Cheating is usually a sign of a teen who just wants to take a shortcut.  They don’t want to put in the effort of studying and possibly get a bad grade.  At least if they cheat, they can blame it on who they cheated from rather than admit to themselves it’s their fault for the bad grade. 

So what can be done to help?

Simpler steps so they can get good grades may boost their confidence to make it worth their while to put in the required effort. 

They may also have a learning disorder which makes it harder to get good grades no matter how much effort they put into it. 

Nowadays it’s easier to diagnose dyslexia and other learning disabilities.  You can simply talk with the school to see about trying to diagnose this or talk to your family doctor.

Cheating can also be a result of not having time to properly study.  What are the other activities your child is involved with rather than studying.  You could take those things away, but that will only cause them to constantly think about it and become fixated and they wouldn’t be able to effectively study anyway. 

A compromise can do the trick or a greater sense of gain at the “end of the rainbow” to motivate them and help with staying focused. 

For my son, I reward him with things if he “tries” his best, no matter what the grade.  As his grades improve, then I make it harder to get the reward.  Some people disagree with this and state that a reward system just reinforces the fact that they will receive something only if they try.  My answer to that is like this.  You have a job.  You want to make more money.  What do you need to do?  Work harder, better, and faster to get a raise.  Isn’t that a reward system? 

The point is to give something for effort and not just the grade alone.  Once they have self confidence in themselves, then you can ease your way into rewarding based on grades.  But until they are willing to put in the effort, I strongly recommend not making the rward based on grades.  It will only reinforce the begative factor “why try if I won’t get a good grade”. 

You’ve probably heard this “why can’t you be more like xxxx?”  They are a different person than xxxx and so their learning style, information processing and feeling of confidence are different.  Even if they are identical twins. 

My mom used to say “why can’t you be like your sister!”  Well… I’m not my sister and I have no idea on how she learns or processes information.  Expecting someone to live up to someone elses achievements is almost certainly going to fail.  Not only that, but it builds resentment with the other person because they get tired of being compard to them.  Treat your teen as an individual who has unique traits, skills, ways of thinking.  Use those to help them learn and not a “cookie-cutter” approach.  Figure out their best traits and skills and use that to be an effective learner.  You’ll see great strides in their acedemics if you help them to learn by using things they can relate to.

As an example, my son is obessesd with DVD’s.  So when we come to a math problem like “if Jane has 10 apples, michael has four apples and Michael loses his apples, how many are left?” I turn it into - If you have 10 DVD’s and I have 4 DVD’s and I lose my DVD’s, how many do we have left?  Using props like this also helps keep him engaged because he loves DVD’s and could care less about apples.  Math is not about comprehension and what the subject is about.  It’s about dealing with numbers and using different props makes it more fun for him.

Another tip - my son has a difficult time paying attention to reading books whether he or I read it.  So I get him involved with the story when I read it to him and replace the main characters name with his.  His comprehension is much better this way and it shows in his work.  We just need to switch his name with the main character’s before turning in his assignment.

Be creative when trying to help your teen learn.  Keeping them engaged is the highest priority.  If you don’t have that, then you don’t have focus and if you don’t have focus… well… it’s in through one ear and out the other.

It’s also very important to commend them on new tasks and strategies to help boost their morale.  When my son does math and he’s a little frustrated I have him work through the problem.  At the end I tell him - hmmmm, that’s a tough problem, let me check the calculator to make sure it’s right.  So I punch in the numbers so he can see, hit the “=” button and BAM! He got the answer right.  I get a “high-five” from him and we’re off to the next problem.  Of course this only works if you can do the problem in your head and you know the answer is correct before using the calculator.

russ

It’s to protect what they are using to fill their void.  Whether it be friends, drugs, alchohol or violence.  If you take away their void, you take away their core identiity.  You need to be prepared to replace it with something your teen will accept without struggle.  Like my mom did with church and sports that I was into. 

Another thing lieing brings is excitement, challenges, or avoidance.  It’s exciting because they are getting attention, maybe even being yelled at to start the adrenaline.  It’s a challenge for them to conquer to see what they can think of to pull the wool over your eyes and manipluate you into leaving them alone.  Or they simply want to avoid the alternatives.

russ

It’s strange that when you seclude yourself, everyone around you can sense and see it. Friends and family will come up and ask what’s wrong and offer assistance. Could it be a sub-conscious action to get attention? A way to dramatize the situation?

It’s difficult to enter into the world of a secluded teen because of depression. Since the person is not really speaking or letting out what’s bothering them, you just can’t get in there until the person is ready to talk. This could be disasterous because the longer the person is secluded, the more the pressure from their emotions build until it finally blows-up. When this happens, it could be deadly!

So how can we reach in and help?

Well, with technology, mainly the internet, teens have a place they can go and at least let out what is bothering them. They may not get the answers they are looking for, but at minimum, they get it off their chest and that’s half the battle.

That action alone reduces pressure and gains you a little more time to get in there to help. The flip-side is that they may get bad information on the internet and follow the advice of the wrong people. You heard stories of a “suicide-pact” right? It’s where a group of mis-guided teenagers decide to ban together and show their respect for each other by commiting suicide.

Why do they do this? The group offers them a sense of belonging, excitement and it fills their void after coming out of seclusion.

One of the things my mom did when I had been depressed for a long while is my parents took me to a hula dance show. Of course I didn’t really want to go, but there was going to be food and hula dancing. So I reluctantly went because I was hungry and there was a very cute hula dancer that just mesmerized me. I still wasn’t able to talk to anyone about what was bothering me, but at least it got me out and gave me something to focus on beside my troubles.

Eventually I came out of it by “spilling the beans” to my friend. He actually jumped over the fence (I lived in a building with a security gate) and banged on my door. I was pretty much shocked but what he said and did, stunned me. I told him that I was feeling depressed and didn’t want to talk to anybody. What did he say? Nothing at first… he cried (shocked me) and said “Russ, we’ve been friends for a long time, but you hurt me. I thought our friendship was strong enough that we could tell each other anything. Maybe I was wrong?” It was then that I realized my actions were affecting other people. So he was pissed off at me for a while but it made our friendship stronger. I really couldn’t believe he cried, but it shocked me enough to change what I was doing.

Another good friend had asked me how I was doing. I told her I had been feeling depressed and lonely for a while. She asked me, “well, what have you been doing at home all by yourself?” I said, just listening to music and playing poker on the internet. Then she asked what kind of music I was listening to. I told her “Don Ho” he’s a Hawaiian musician that plays and sings sad melancholy type of music. She said “STOP LISTENING TO THAT! It’s ok to listen to when you are happy, but if you are sad, it will only make yourself sadder”.

So by sitting all alone and listenting to sad music, I just became more and more secluded, until a couple of friends and a mom, started breaking the cycle of my depression. I can’t imagine where I would be today if it weren’t for those 3 people at the time.

So what is sad music? It’s a “trigger”! It starts the cycle of thinking sad and depressing thoughts. It sets the mood on how you will feel. What is the alternative? happy or upbeat nusic that induces joy and inspiration.

Don’t watch sad movies when you are depressed either. If you can cutoff things that make a person sad and replace it with something happy, something stupid, or something inspiring. Just break the cycle.

Here’s a tip that I just thought of and analyzed while taking a break. Up until that point I was in a serious mood and thinking about the power of music. The song that popped into my head was from a cartoon called “The Flintstones”. The song is called “Let The Sunshine In” Immediately I could feel my mood change to an upbeat, I can conquer anything frame of mind.

So my suggestion is if you have a teen who is depressed, play some of the songs they used to like and blast it until they can hear it. Worse case, it might irritate them and get them off their butt to open their door and say “why are you listening to that” or “can you turn that down!” But what you are doing is trying to break the cycle. At best, it will conjure up feelings of happiness and pleasure from the past to also break the cycle.

russ

Learning how to spot a trigger to an event and cutting it off before it happens.  As an example, my son who is physically handicapped (cerebral palsy) has tantrums from time to time.  After taking the class I learned how to spot the triggers to his tantrums.  A trigger would be a smaller event that puts his tantrum in motion. 

For him, one of the things was math homework.  If he saw a page filled with word problems, he would instantly get stressed out and then have a tantrum.  By letting him know before hand that he would only need to do a few of them, the task was easier for him to handle and would keep him from having a tantrum.  So by getting rid of that trigger, he was able to complete the work without and episode.

So the best way to deal with a tantrum or explosion is to cut off the source at the trigger.  I’ll add an exercise sheet to help you track and get a better grip on triggers and behavior management.

Since I wasn’t a physically violent teen, I can’t give you a real world experience I had.  But by telling my mom it didn’t matter how much she yelled at my brother, it wasn’t going to help anyone and it was only making things worse. 

I guess you can say that both my brother and I removed our triggers by going to church or our mom removed the trigger by sending us there. The triggers would have been the friends we were associating with.

Getting involved with a youth program is a great solution because many other kids go there for the same reasons.  It keeps them off the streets and offers them a way to relieve their agression, they bond with similar people, and there’s other girls and boys to fill that part of the excitement.

russ

The adrenaline rush is somewhat of a “high” and teens enjoy that feeling.  Unfortunately, unless they have an effective way to channel excess energy, it could blow up anytime and anywhere.  It could also be the result of pent up agression that builds inside and just explodes at a certain point.  As an example, you put an egg in the microwave and turn it on.  What happens?  The sudden influx of pressure causes it to explode. 

With teenagers, the trick is to find out what is building that pressure and alleviate it.  For example, being yelled and screamed at causes pressure and when it gets to the point where they can’t take anymore, they are going to explode.  Maybe not in front of you, but somewhere else.

So calmly talking to them will reduce tunnecessary stress from forming.

Alternative ways to reduce the pressure is martial arts, sports, crying, or anything in a controlled environment where they can safely release that energy. 

Why are video games so addicting?
they fill a void
they are exciting
they are a way to release energy - by chopping up aliens

russ

Now the effect of my father telling me that did two things. First, it took the excitement part out of it, he said it was ok (no longer a rebelment tactic).  Secondly, he left it up to me to decide.  Not that I was a heavy user, I just did it because everyone else did.  I actually didn’t like the feeling of being high, because I felt I wasnt in control.  Plus it made me nauseous.

Pills, cocaine and things like that - I am proud to admit I never did any of those!  Even though many of my friends in my college years were doing cocaine, I never did or wanted to do it.  And you know what?  They respected me for not wanting to do it.  What was even stranger, was when someone else outside of our group asked me if I wanted some, my friends would say “no! he doesn’t want any” and they would actually get upset for that person offering it to me.  Maybe since I was the youngest in the group, they felt like an older brother.  Either way, they watched out for me and respected me and so I had a great respect for them.

Not that I was strong or anything like that, I just didn’t want it. BUT that could have been easily changed.  About 10 years later, I was seeing a girl who wanted to try cocaine.  I called some of my old friends and asked if they had any.  Luckily they didn’t and so we never tried it.  The same went for exctasy.  She wanted to try it, but since I couldn’t find any, we didn’t try it.  Actually I had one friend that had some, but she didn’t want to be responsible if something were to happen, so she refused to give me any.

So true friends can respect you for your decisions and keep you from harm.  But a girl I wanted to impress could easily have changed my morals and what I had fought for so many years - keeping drug free.

russ

Let me begin with my story and how it can apply to you.

As a teen, I naturally thought I knew everything and didn’t need anyone telling me how to live my life.  Well, both you and I know that there is much more to life than what’s going on while you’re a teenager.  Only until a person “lives” and has to deal with mortgage, rent, jobs, careers and providing for your family will they ever really understand.

At one point in my life I started heading down the wrong track.  I was basically a good kid, but the friends I hung out with sort of corrupted me.  Well, that’s not really fair to say, but hanging with them started to get me into trouble.  It wasn’t anything serious, but nonetheless, waiting for my parents to pick me up at the police station was quite an embarrassment. 

The thing that struck me as odd, at that time was when my friend’s dad came to pick him up.  During those days, it was ok to spank or hit your child.  Well my friend’s father, gave him a preety big slap across his head.  My parents?  Well, I got lectured and grounded for the rest of my life… Hopefully my parents aren’t reading this, because I’m still supposed to be grounded.

Of course I ended up causing a ruckus at home for being cooped up too long and eventually I was let out of the house. 

Then some of my other friends started getting involved with robbing houses, carrying guns, and who knows what else.  So I disassociated myself from them and just sort of left the group.

The point of all that rambling is to stress one point.  Teens have a need to feel as if they “belong” or are a part of something. For better or worse, depending on who they decide to associate with.

The problem occurs when they are unable to find people who can relate with them.  you could force your child to be friends with the “goodie-goodie” folks, but unless they share a commanality, it will only cause them to seek another group where they fit in.

As an example, my parents forced me to go to church.  At first I was hesitant, but soon made friends with some of the guys my own age, who also had a wild streak in them, so I fit in perfectly.  We got in trouble once because of a fire extinguisher incident, but that was about the extent of the trouble we got into.  I think we were all misfits and just sort of bonded and banded together.  The other important factor was GIRLS.  There were cute girls that went to church and that made it even more tolerable.

Through all the lectures and punishment I got, the one thing that “stuck” was when my mom said - “Russ, if you’re not going to do it for yourself, do it for your little brother.  He looks up to you and copies everything you do, because he loves you”.

That was a very strategic guilt trip she put on me.  Because it was then, that I realized I was in control of something other than my own life.  I now had to deal with the trouble my little brother might get into.

So after my life turned around for the better, a few years later, I witnessed my brother following my footsteps and getting involved with some of the same things I did.  I remember my mom pulling her hair out because he wasn’t being reactive to what she was sayting. 

He was being disciplined while I was “trying” to study.  I finally got up and told my mom “don’t be so hard on him, he’s just going through a phase.  Just like me, he’ll be ok”. 

Shortly after that, he started going to church too!

Since my children are still young, I haven’t had the opportunity to go through this with my sons.  But at least I have practice or experience from dealing with my younger brother. 

Many parents don’t realize this because they may not have lived through that experience.  Or maybe it was never pointed out. So rather than punishing your child, who is silently seeking guidance, find a way to fill their void. Whether that’s going to church, an after shcool program, or a city youth program. 

russ